How has it come to this?

Reading over old posts is emotional, draining and a really big eye opener.

I spent most of my day today just thinking. Thinking about things that simply just hurt. Stupid way to spend my day, really.
It feels like my heart has been ripped out, shown to me, and jumped on a few times…again. I just want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep.
I cried a lot today, and as a result i have a killer headache.

I want to ask mum so many things, i want to talk to someone about it, but i know that so many people will just shut down the topic with “you’ll be fine” or “don’t worry, you’ll get over it”
Well you know what? Yeah i might get over it, somewhere down the track, but right now, i want to talk about it.
It’s been 4 months
Of pain.
Of trying to numb that pain by any means necessary.
Of kidding myself, tricking myself into thinking that I’m okay.

I’m not okay.

I want to be okay.

I simply don’t know how to be okay.

 

I really really hate this.

 

But as i look back, through the posts, from well over a year ago, all i see is drama.
And me apologising.
And me not feeling good enough

You never made me feel good enough
I hate you SO much for it.
Because  the fact of the matter is that I’m better than good enough. Im the best you’ll EVER have.
Ever.

Ever.

 

So how does it feel?
To know that i almost completely blame this on you?
I blame you because you made me feel like i wasn’t worth anything.
I blame you because nothing was ever good enough.
I blame you because you honestly thought you were better than me.

I treated you like no one else existed.
You were my everything
You were more than that.

I just wanted you to love me. For who i was. Not what you wanted me to be.
I wanted you to love me because i made your cup of tea just right.
I wanted you to love me because i looked after you when you were sick.
I wanted you to love me because we knew what each other were thinking.
I wanted you to love me because no body else understands you the way i do.

I wanted you to love me because i was madly in love with you.

But you ruined it.

Ruiner.

I hate you so much
You’re making me cry right now.
I just wish i could eternally punish you

I don’t think you realised how much it killed me to leave.
It killed a part of me
A part of my heart, which right now feels like its in a zillion tiny pieces and its never going to fit back together.

You make me want to scream
And walk forever
And not eat
Just lay in bed, and watch movies
Watch Lost

I just want this feeling to go away

I want someone to understand

Everyone seems to dismiss it

I just want someone to understand

I hate you
So much

But i love you too
Too much
and i hate you and myself for it

 

I want to die.

 

p.s. i hope you still have this on RSS feed.
maybe you’ll have an insight into what I’m thinking, seeing, feeling as opposed to what you think, see, feel for a change.

This Game

Another night
Another fight
How do we cope?

Another day
I’ll find a way
To not lose hope.

I’m not a liar
How can you not tire
Of this crap

Exhausted and spent
Here i came to vent
I’m drained

Question?

You should chase your starlight

But at what cost?

I want

My own website

That’s all

Don’t follow the trend

Shes running
Toward you
But she trips
And you’re disgusted
And angry
So you walk away
She begins to cry
Worthless and stupid
It’s how she feels
And she wonders
Will I ever be good enough?

Ring Ring…Hh, Hello?

Beyoncé: Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if its broken…
Gaga: But you can still see the cracks in that mother fucking reflection.

If trust is broken, can it be fully fixed? Discuss.

Trust, along with love, commitment and the right attitude are the some of the main ideas a relationship is based on. Though if there is an issue with trust, it affects all other areas of the relationship. So, if trust is broken at some stage, can it be fixed permanently or can you ‘still see the cracks’?

Trust is something that should be given out carefully, not taken for granted and made difficult to earn back. It is part of the foundation of any relationship being that of with a friend, a family member, a significant other or even people such as a colleague. or possibly a random person.
Trust is not bias but each person may choose to have trust in another, or not.
It is something we all crave from another person, to prove our worth and to be able to be in a situation where there is no worries from any of the people involved.
So, if that trust is broken, should others be constantly worried about your actions, still seeing th cracks, or be able to ‘forgive and forget’ and be able to start a clean slate?

Personally, i’m more of a forgiveness is divine type of person.
Whereas i will not forgot, i will forgive, give a second chance and place the questionable matter to the back of my head.
Depending on who it is of course! Meaning if it was a family member, they have infinite chances. Blood is thicker than water.
Friends; Depending on closesness and what not.
Partner; More than two chances, but not so many that they just end up taking advantage of me.
As for the other miscellaneous categories of people, thats at my discretion.

All in all, family, friends and partners shouldn’t really give reasons to have others question trust in the first place!
But we’re only human, and unfortunately we all make mistakes, obviously some worse than others!
But mistakes doesn’t stop us for being sorry and feeling bad about what we have done. Especially if the situation is never resolved and/or it keeps being brought up.

So my conclusion?
Forgiveness is divine, but give only to those who are deserving.
A second chance may be all they need, but be at the ready to either give out more or stand up for yourself and say enough.
Every situation is unique and even though you may not be able to completely forget because you can’t un-see what you have seen or un-think what you have thought or even un-hear what you have heard, you can analyze it personally and determine that persons worth, whether it be a family member or the love of your life, and choose to forgive, forget and move on or take whichever path you choose to!

Slight essay; Fin.

Please note

The wordpress app is by far one of the worst apps i have come across!

I wish they’d make a better one

…and ill blog something decent in a moment :)

I Apologise!

So i haven’t posted for a very long time hey!
25 days in fact.

So what have i been doing?
Oh, you know, the usual; Boyfriend + Work :)
Life is pretty great
Work is going well
Ash is his usual perfect self!

I’m surprised at how much writing i haven’t been doing.
I mean, theres a few notes in my phone, but they’re all personal crapola so its not included really?
Well not for you guys anyway

My tea has gone cold which im pretty upset about, but ill just go make another :)

This was a pointless post.
End of story.

Just so you know

So we’re always hearing parents say:
“there’s no manual or book on how to raise kids”

Yeah, got it.
But, you know, there is also no manual or book on how to be a good partner.

You’re probably thinking “It’s not that hard, it should come naturally, blah blah blah”

Though for me? I seem to constantly fail at it, time and time again, and its just hurting the person i love most in this world.
I can not even begin to tell you how bad i feel for the fact that he is stuck with the most self centered, confused, angry and lost little girl in the world.

He is way more than i deserve though he is the reason for me just being here.

The current sitch is the fact that i haven’t told many people the ‘origins’ of our relationship
The origins being that i fell in love with him the second i met him and i wanted him more than anything
I broke up with my then boyfriend because i couldn’t shake the feelings i had for Ash.
Even with no idea of whether he wanted me or not.

Well, it was more than worth it.
He loves me unconditionally, spoils me, looks after me, tells me im beautiful, everything any girl could EVER want.
Though i can’t seem to stop stuffing it up.

Ash, you deserve so much better than me.
I’m sorry

The moral of the story?
Don’t settle for anything less than true love,  even if it means leaving someone or something for it
And don’t let anything get in the way, i keep making this mistake too much
Oh and make sure you let them know you love them and that they’re your everything, instead of being a little bitch and blogging it like i do
Infact, the opposite of what i do will get you through life smooth as

I’ve had enough of a whinge
Kthxbai

This is what i have

“What i want is it to be needed. What i need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction” – Chuck Palahniuk